


constant stars

by pendules



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Bisexuality, Crack, Fluff, M/M, Sexual Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-18 14:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4708946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pendules/pseuds/pendules
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not a big deal or anything, but when you find yourself in a relationship with your best friend's best friend that makes you reconsider certain things about yourself including the fact that you probably had a huge, embarrassing crush on your aforementioned best friend, you should probably tell your boyfriend slash his best friend about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	constant stars

**Author's Note:**

> There's literally no point to this beyond being bitter that Maggie Jossed Adam's crush on Gansey and deciding to write about it all the time. Sorry.

Adam figures he should probably tell him. He doesn't have that much experience with relationships and Ronan Lynch is not exactly a typical boyfriend, but it seems like the kind of thing you should probably discuss. It's not a big deal or anything, but when you find yourself in a relationship with your best friend's best friend that makes you reconsider certain things about yourself including the fact that you probably had a huge, embarrassing crush on your aforementioned best friend, you should probably tell your boyfriend slash his best friend about it.

Maybe just casually. Over dinner one Thursday afternoon.

"Did you ever have a crush on Gansey?" Totally casual, because it's a totally ordinary topic of conversation.

"What?" 

"I just — I figured. I mean, you were really close when we met." 

From Adam's tone, Ronan probably gets that he's actually being serious.

He looks like he hasn't even bothered to consider the possibility before. "No, I don't think I ever — I mean, besides the passing thought, I guess."

"Oh." Adam thought as much. Ronan's always liked to put people in clear categories. No ambiguity. Either inside the circle or not. Adam knows what it feels like to be allowed in. He wonders sometimes if there ever was a time when Ronan didn't like him in that way. Even before he was let into the inner sanctum. Gansey's always had the key to the castle. He's a constant in a world of variables.

"He's not my type anyway." Adam has no idea if he's joking or not.

"You have a _type_?" Maybe this is something else they need to talk about.

"Don't _you_?"

"No, stop deflecting. What's your type?"

"Is this some weird insecurity thing, Parrish? You already know the answer to that question."

Adam scoffs. "A _person_ can't be a type, Lynch."

"Really? What's _your_ type then?" he asks, typically stubborn.

"Apparently, it's the _opposite_ of what I thought my type was."

"And what did you think was your type?" Ronan's gone from indulging his questions to enjoying this a little too much.

"Well. Gansey, I guess." And there it is.

" _Oh_ ," Ronan says now.

And then he starts laughing wildly.

"You're _such_ an asshole," Adam says, shoving his shoulder, hard.

"This is — _too_ good," Ronan says, struggling to catch his breath. "You're so predictable. What, did he flash his dreamy, hazel eyes at you and you went weak at the knees?"

"No. _God_." That's pretty much exactly what happened.

"Does he know?"

"I don't know. I mean, I don't think _I_ even knew back then."

"What — about the guys thing? Or the Gansey thing?"

"Both, I guess."

"Wait, do you still —?" Ronan says, eyes narrowing.

"Is this some weird insecurity thing, Lynch?" he mocks him.

"Fuck no. I just think maybe you have unresolved feelings about it."

"Are you a shrink?"

"So, it never came up? Even when you told him about —"

"That's the thing. We never really talked about it." They'd talked about _Ronan_ when it first happened, but not what it meant for Adam beyond that.

"Do you want to throw a coming out party?" Ronan deadpans.

"Fuck off."

"If you want to make out with him, it's cool. As long as I can watch."

"Oh, so _that's_ what you're dreaming about when you're moaning in your sleep." It's a low blow, he knows, but he deserves it.

"Fuck you, Parrish."

*

There was a time he used to tell Gansey everything. He'd stay up late talking to him on the phone, and just listening to his voice was a comfort when he thought he couldn't spend one more day in that dingy trailer, this dusty town. Rambling on about Glendower and school and maybe girls sometimes and something always tangled uncomfortably inside him when he imagined Gansey kissing some faceless person. He'd written it off as just that thrill of new friendship where every minute not spent together or any attention focused elsewhere felt like a waste. Gansey treating him as worthy made him feel worthy. Maybe he was obsessed with Gansey the way Gansey was obsessed with Glendower. Maybe it was more than that.

Ronan was a surprise. A huge, sharp-edged, foul-mouthed, fiery, destructive, beautiful surprise. But in retrospect, maybe the _guys_ thing wasn't that much of a surprise.

*

"I kissed Ronan," he'd told him, approximately two months ago.

"Oh, so that's where you two have been disappearing to," he'd said, like some mystery had been solved.

"No. Well, _yes_. But —"

"Are you okay?" he'd said, eyes all concerned and older than their eighteen years.

And this was not going how he thought it would. He thought it would be him being worried about how _Gansey_ would be dealing with this. Like, it had to be a shock, right? His two best friends who pretty much hated each other's guts a year ago suddenly deciding to suck face. But fuck, maybe somehow, this was always inevitable. He just never knew it.

"I think so? I should probably be doubting my own sanity. I mean, it's _Ronan_."

"Ronan's..." He'd trailed off, searching for the right word and settling on, " _Difficult_."

"I know. But it's — it's been _too_ easy, almost."

"He's liked you _forever_." Adam kind of already knew that but the way he'd said _forever_ made something in his centre turn warm and melty.

"You're being, like, disturbingly okay with this," he'd told him.

"So are you."

It had almost sounded like Gansey wasn't talking about Ronan at all. That was probably the first clue.

*

For a month, he doesn't think about it at all. He thinks about graduating and about kissing Ronan and about college and about crawling into Ronan's bed after work and about lazy afternoons spent at the Barns and surreptitious touches when they're all hanging out that everyone notices anyway. He thinks about happiness and how this is possibly, maybe kind of what it looks like. 

Then, there's an odd incident in the hallway at school and Tad Carruthers' smug, cowardly face saying something like, _So, are you and Lynch an item now? I was taking bets on when the gay rumours would be hashtag confirmed._

And then Gansey's grabbing his arm and steering him away from them and Adam's not even mad, just genuinely confused about people thinking he's gay.

And he's not, right? He's not gay.

He's been attracted to girls. Multiple girls.

So what if he's attracted — okay, pretty disgustingly attracted — to a guy? One guy.

Except — _oh_ — maybe it wasn't just one.

*

Gansey doesn't ask him about it. Maybe he thinks whatever Tad Carruthers and his cronies have to say is inherently beneath their consideration. And it should be, really. Except Adam keeps thinking about it. 

Thinking about girls and crushes and the first girl he ever really liked and the first girl he kissed and Blue and how maybe he likes Ronan more than anyone he's liked before but that doesn't render any of those feelings invalid.

He remembers third grade and the first actual friend he'd made and how much it hurt when he got cooler friends who could afford nice toys and nice clothes and eventually forgot about him. He remembers his smile and his green eyes and that light, floaty feeling in his chest when he looked at him.

He remembers Gansey driving him to school the first time and talking to him like they were already good friends, like he could share anything with him, like he valued his opinions. He didn't even know him, but he treated him like a _person_ , like he was more than his secondhand sweater and the dirt under his fingernails. No judgement, no pity. He hadn't felt that for years.

*

So, okay, maybe it _was_ a crush. Maybe he was projecting all those things onto Gansey. But it's not like anything would've ever happened. Not in his wildest dreams. But once, he'd probably thought the same about Ronan.

Adam's reading on Ronan's bed when he flops down next to him.

"I can't believe you're having a sexual identity crisis _now_."

"Why is that so hard to believe?" he shoots back.

"Because — because you kissed me _first_. And that was, like, _months_ ago."

"So what? Like _you_ were totally sure about yourself." He rolls his eyes.

"Honestly, I think I always kind of knew."

"Really?" Adam asks. And _they_ haven't actually talked about this either. Adam knows how much work Ronan's had to do to accept all the parts of himself, but maybe it wasn't ever _that_ he was trying to hide. 

"I wasn't sure until _you_ though," he says quietly. Ronan always tells him the truth, but it's still rare that he willingly lays himself bare like this.

" _Oh_."

"Yeah." He starts turning slightly pink and it's adorable as hell and Adam is so, so gone for this boy, if he didn't already know that. This thing — crisis or not — doesn't have anything to do with _Ronan_. Adam's been all in from the get-go. Because it's Ronan, and once you get past the iron gates, there's no going back. But he needs to know, for himself, for his own soundness of mind.

"I think I just figured you were the only guy I liked. And I was okay with that. But now, I don't know." It feels good, to say it out loud.

"It's fine, you know," Ronan tells him. "It's all fine."

Adam smiles at him. He leans over and kisses his cheek, hoping it conveys how grateful he is, both to have Ronan and for how far he's come. He goes back to his book. 

*

"How are you and Blue?" Adam asks, completely out of the blue. He knows she hates that expression, but it's funny anyway.

"We're fine. Why are you asking?"

"I'm just — curious."

"Never asked before," Gansey points out. And he's right, but maybe he should ask more often.

"We used to _talk_ about things," Adam tells him.

"We talk all the time," Gansey says, confused.

"I mean, about _us_. About personal things."

"I'm sure you're not a terrible kisser or Ronan would've probably mentioned it," Gansey says, failing to suppress a smile.

"Oh, god, I forgot about that. I can't believe I forgot about that —" It all comes back in a rush; maybe he'd successfully repressed it out of sheer embarrassment. 

"You were so worried. It was precious."

"Shut up. Oh, god, you offered to kiss me to 'improve my technique.' I can't _believe_ —"

Adam remembers being mortified and just staring at him for a long time. His mouth, specifically. He can't believe how much of an idiot he was.

"You can't believe what?"

"That I didn't figure it out ages ago."

"What?"

"I wanted to kiss you. And not just for practice. I totally wanted to kiss your face off."

"That sounds uncomfortable," Gansey says, wide-eyed.

"I don't — I don't want to anymore."

"Okay…"

"I mean, I think you were the first real friend I ever had," Adam admits. "And it was complicated. I think it just felt good to be wanted."

It wasn't about _Gansey_ , after all. Because he didn't seem like a real person back then. Because Adam didn't know who he really was, didn't know the terrible side of him, the softer, unsure side. He and Ronan are different; they've been seeing each other's messy parts from day one. Being wanted by and wanting Ronan is a whole other animal. Something all-consuming and selfless. Pure, unselfconscious surrender.

"How's Ronan feel about this?"

"He wants to watch us make out."

"Of course."

"You know Ronan. Considerate, thoughtful, accepting." He's not even being facetious which is the scary part.

Gansey smiles a strangely proud smile.

"Look at the two of you," he says, not surprised, just quietly pleased.

"Yeah, we're something," Adam agrees.

*

"Have I told you how much I like you today?"

"Only like twelve times," Ronan says sticking his head out the door to look at him, toothbrush in hand.

"And how long are you going to torture me about it?"

"Twelve hundred years. Give or take," he says, popping back inside the bathroom.

"How about we minus a hundred years for every time you call me 'pretty' this week?" Adam suggests.

Ronan groans.

"I can't be held accountable for what I say when I'm half-unconscious or post-orgasm."

Ronan comes outside and sprawls all over him and after playfully shoving him away, Adam lets him kiss him. 

"You okay?" he says, leaning back to watch him properly.

"I'm just — I'm really, really glad I kissed you," Adam tells him.

Ronan smiles at him, pecks his lips one more time and then settles in to go to sleep, pressed up along his side.

He's always been sure about this — about Ronan — but something's been missing. Something inside of him. Something else that made him unknowable. He's never had those neat little categories for people to fall into. It's never been so clear. What he wants. Who he is. Maybe he'll never really know. His mind shifts and undulates, ever nebulous. There are some things that remain constant, though. And always will. Fixed stars in an ever-changing universe. He trusts them to always guide him in the dark.


End file.
